Absentee Mommeeeee

I have been gone.  The hours at work have been really hectic.  So if I am here, I am not here.  Or at least not acting myself.  It has been difficult.  There is guilt, but then I wonder why I feel guilty.  And I feel guilty for that too.

I firmly believe that children are born into a family.  Just by the nature of being part of a family, they are not always going to be number one.  I work, and sometimes my job is more important than reading stories or taking baths.  It sounds callous to articulate it.  I can almost feel myself recoil when I read the words.  Sometimes my work is more important than my kids.  Sometimes, I get so into my work, that I would rather do that than hang out with my kids.  Sometimes, work gets me so stressed out that I don't want to be with my kids.

And I think that is okay.  I think it is important for them to see me doing something that I feel passionately about. I think it is important for them to see that I don't have it under control.  I think that it is important for them to see that I work really really hard at things.  Complete them.  Enjoy the victory.  And rest.  I really want them to understand that it is important to rest, because I don't think everyone does.

I am lucky enough to have a very supportive partner.  The first part of last week saw me working 12 hour days. Just by chance, it was a slow week for Mr. T.  He took the kids to school and picked them up.  He made dinner and cleaned up afterwards.  I felt guilty and kept thanking him.  He told me it was okay.  He wanted to help, and he wanted me to feel good.  Just by having him there and knowing that the kids were taken care of, and he wasn't stressed, helped me about 1 million times over.  I so easily could have been a basket case.

But instead, I walked into my presentation on Wednesday morning with all of my wits about me.  I did a great  job on the presentation.  The team and I received rave reviews.  I felt really proud.  All of that work had paid off.

And that afternoon, my kids still loved me.  We played and played.  He had dinner and acted goofy.  On Thursday, I explained to all the teachers that I have been busy and I needed more time to get acquainted with what was going on in the classroom.  On Friday, I rested.  I read, got a pedicure, shopped, and ate Korean.  It was a good day.  Followed by a good weekend with two little kids, who know I love them. And are part of my family.

Just some skinny little boy legs.  They are all scraped up and bruised.
I think he might also be my little photographer.  I don't know if he likes taking pictures, or if he likes playing with cameras.  Either way, I will encourage it.

New Class for him too!

I love this picture, so I figured I would start off with it.  I know I already posted it.  I know it is mean to post it again.  I just think it is so stinking cute though.

So, BabyP is with kids a totally different group of kids than he has been with for the last three years..  Ms. Jannis, his new teacher, was Peanut's teacher a few years ago.  Peanut did some amazing art work and learned to really enjoy other cultures.

I asked the center, if Ms. Jannis should happen to have an opening, if BabyP could move to her class.  It happened much faster than I originally anticipated.  When I was told that he was going to be Jannis's class, I was nervous and excited all at the same time.  I was sad and anxious that he isn't going to be with his friends, but I really really love Ms. Jannis.  She is wonderful.

This was his sister's cubby when she was in Ms. Jannis's class.  I thought it was really cute.

This is us trying to get BabyP to take a picture with Ms. Jannis.  He wouldn't let us.

So, here is BabyP taking our picture.  I love her so much.  Is it just me, or do I look tall there?

He is doing really well in Ms. Jannis's class.  I was worried because he is the youngest in the class, but Ms. Jannis told me that she couldn't tell he was the youngest.  She went on and on about how wonderful he has been.  She said that he was her little helper.  He always wants to help.  She turns to him to help her pass things out or to get things for her.  I was beaming.  I find him to be an incredibly sweet and articulate boy.  It makes me so happy that others think he is too.  I know I did the right thing by having him moved.  I think he will really get the opportunity to grow.  

He hasn't been in trouble and has kept his stormy little temper in check.  I think that his temper is something that he reserves for home, which is good.  I am glad he feels comfortable to let out with me but smart enough to know to keep it together in front of other people.  

This week they are working on the letter A.  He came home with a paper where he was starting to write the letter A, and they were really really good.  I don't know how much help he got, but it was really good.  I am so proud of him.  I can't believe my baby is learning to write.  

He tells me all the time that he is a big boy.  He doesn't like to be called my baby.  His sister told him Bob the Builder was for babies, so he didn't want to watch it.  He wants to put his own safety belt on.  He will still swim in the little pool, but if we call it the baby pool, all bets are off.  He corrects me when I call him my baby.  He tells me "I am big."  Although, sometimes, when he is all snuggled in bed, I still ask him who my baby is, and he still points to himself with a smile on his face.  

First Day of Kindergarten

 She looks so big here.  This is the first day of Kindergarten. She picked her outfit out herself.  The t-shirt has some sort of shiny vest sewn onto it and the skirt is very Chanel 2001.  I guess wearing matching shoes and socks was not in the cards for her.  Both my mom and I suggested changing her shoes and removing the scarf, but the scarf matches the shoes and that is what she wanted to wear.  And really, how many times do you have a first day of kindergarten.  Who am I to make her choose not to look like a crazy bag lady?  She has years of conformity ahead.

 Grandma and Grandpa showed up to make the long slog to school.  We ran into a friend of hers from the previous year on the way.  It was all very exciting!

She has a student teacher in her class this year, which is pretty cool.  I think the student is about my age, which is even better.  She has a kindergartner too, but he attends another school.  

Peanut was a little nervous attending this year.  Not many of her friends are in her class.  I think she knew only a handful of kids.  She had a specific teacher that she wanted, and she didn't get her.  Her class is also separated from the other classes.

There is a little boy sitting in the chair at the top of the picture.  He kept telling peanut how excited he was to see her and kept going on and on.  I think he calmed her down a lot, but she was still apprehensive when I left.

When I picked her up, she bounded toward me jumping practically out of her skin with excitement.  It made me so happy that I smiled for the rest of the day.  Of course, she couldn't tell me about her day nor could she tell me who was in her class, but she did say that she really liked her teacher a lot.

I really hope she has a good year.  I never remember being apprehensive about going to school myself.  I was a ball of nerves on the days leading up to her first day.  She is such a special little girl who is so full of spirit and life.  I want everyone around her to know and I worry that she will be misunderstood or labeled one way or another.  She is truly the freest person I know.  I want her to be around people who encourage that.

So far, I have heard that the centers are really good in her classroom, and that they aren't allowed to play with the science centers yet, but if they ask, they can play with the math ones.  The math is her favorite (YAY)!  I don't know if she just says that to please me, but it makes me really happy.

Family Photo Time

He looks like he is doing some awesome trick here, right?

Nope. He fell.  And he is mad.  I am such a bad mom for always taking pictures of BabyP crying.  I just think it is so funny (and constant).   You can always tell when we are leaving the gym because someone is having a complete melt down.

This one wasn't so bad, but I like how Mr. T. is gripping BabyP's head behind me and Peanut is still in a shocked pose.

Okay, everyone close your eyes.  Peanut still hasn't moved.

This one is my favorite though.  Well, it would be my favorite except I don't have a top to my head and I am palming my son's head like a basketball.  Peanut and Mr. T. look great though.

And by the end we are all pretty tired.

Last Day of Summer

Both kids went to the daycare center over the summer.  I really didn't take the days off with them this summer that I had originally envisioned.  In June, it seemed like we had endless weeks of wondering ahead of us, but now, the summer is done and we are back to the grindstone.

We had a break in the weather.  For those that aren't avid Arkansas weather watchers, we have had an unusually hot and dry summer.  At one point, it was 114 degrees.  I think the heat index that day was about 120, which very well may be hot enough to fry an egg.  We spent a good part of the summer at the pool or inside.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times we ventured across the street to the park.  The weather has just been too dangerous for much outside exposure.  I am sure my laziness has nothing to do with it.

For a last hurrah, I took the kids out to Pinnacle Mountain State Park to do a quick hike.  We didn't hike up the mountain, which is what they both wanted to do, we hiked near the visitor's center.  The path was nice, wide and shaded.  The weather was pretty perfect and their was minimal complaining on our little two mile hike.  All in all, it was great.

Peanut packed us some snacks, as she is prone to do.  This little girl has the busiest hands of anyone I have ever seen.  Our biggest fight right now is keep her out of the refrigerator and freezer.  We have the kind of freezer that is a pull out on the bottom.  She doesn't always manage to get it closed all the way, which results in our food getting the opportunity to warm up again.  It makes me BONKERS!  

She is sweet, though. She takes good care of her family and friends.  She is constantly babying her brother, which can be a bit of a concern for someone who doesn't want him to grow up thinking he can get what he wants if he cries for it.  She is growing her bangs out.  At first, I wasn't such a fan of the idea, but once I pulled her hair out of her face, I realized how sweet and fresh she looks.  I absolutely love it.  Now, if I can only get her to cut her hair off to a manageable length. 

So, obviously, I don't have a particular item that little boys have that I don't want to name on the blog because I don't want it to show up on some sort of word search.  So, I swear BabyP took about 5 minutes trying to figure out what he wanted to pee on.  At first it was going to be a rock, then it was going to be another rock.  I warned him against rocks because I didn't want to splash on his feet and make him freak out because his feet were wet.  The last thing I really wanted to deal with was carrying a pee footed little boy a mile up a hill.

Notice that he only uses his hands to be sure he doesn't get pee on shirt.  He doesn't use it for any kind of direction.  This is another thing that makes me bonkers.  If he gets a little bit of water on his shirt, he freaks out.  Evidently, getting pee on your pants is fine though.

He gets really mad about me taking his picture.  I don't know why.

He really likes guitars.  He puts this shirt on and runs around pretending to play it.  He tells us stories about his electric guitar.  "I have an electric guitar.  It is red.  My kids play with it."  just random stuff.

I just added this for myself.  It makes me want to touch it.  (I just don't understand why peanut is so tactile)

Daisy

Remember this girl, she still has a hairy butt.

She must be about 14 now.  She moves slow but still likes to be outside ignoring us.

Bed Time

I think I should spend more time documenting things that are less big.  Because these are the things I really want to remember.

How does he manage to get toothpaste between his eyes?  We have a little game at our house where the kids show me their teeth and scream like it is hurting my eyes.  BabyP, "Momma!  Momma!  Look!" and he grins really big at me.  Me, "NO!  Don't do that!  It hurts my eyes." and I turn away and act overwhelmed.  He erupts into giggles and starts again "momma!...."

We also do stories on our bed.  I guess we started that when we moved into our house.  Generally we wrestle and cuddle a bit before settling down into stories.  As a punishment at our house, the kids get stories taken away.  It used to be a very good deterrent, but yesterday BabyP told me, "I don't care.  Take 5 stories away.  I am BAD."  It was true too, but I would never tell him.  I tell him "you aren't bad, but you are making bad choices."  Can you tell I read a lot of touchy feeling parenting books?  Right after I tell him that I swaddle him, put him in the special sling I knitted for him out of yak's fur, and rock him until the crying stops.  I don't care if it takes all night.  It is the only way I can show my motherly love.

This girl was almost impossible to get a picture of.  She keeps wanting to pose for the camera.  The problem is that 5 year old poses are stupid.  She has been a really good kid lately.  I have tried to take some time for just her and I to do things.  Even something as mundane as going to the grocery store makes her happy.

She amazes me with her curiosity of the world.  I would not be surprised if she became an anthropologist or something.  I took her to the Heifer Museum.  It was WAY above BabyP's head, but she was really into it.  She was upset when we left.  I hope to steal out of work early this week and take her back.

uhmmmmm

Work has had me a headlock the last couple of months.  This week will be okay, but after that, it will be about 3 weeks of hell.  My posting will be sporadic at best, but I am still here.  

With the increased workload has been the increased anxiety.  I lost 10 pounds.  YAY!   I don't guess it will stay off because as I type this, I am busy eating as many chips as humanly possible.  

Losing the weight was a bit of a wake up call to me.  It made me think that I needed to work a bit harder at being centered.  I needed to unplug more and really focus on myself and my family.  For a while I was forcing myself to eat.  I increased my exercise, which seems to have helped both increase my appetite and reduce my anxiety.  

The kids have been pretty resilient.  Mr. T. had done more than his fair share of housework with minimal complaining.  Since I have been working on the evenings, he has had plenty of opportunity for alone time.  I think my sweet introverted husband may be a little tired of alone time.  He has been asking for me to sit next to him while I work.  

For his part, he has been busy finishing little jobs around the house and preparing for his mother's arrival.  (have I mentioned how thankful I am that she comes so we are forced to actually finish some of our projects?)  (pictures to follow soon!)

There is a guilt associated with the hours and the preoccupation with my job.  If things are stressful, I bring it home.  I think that is a normal reaction to stress.  I get tired and can't put on my happy face.  Add to that, Peanut being overwhelmed at her care place, and for once, the girls are the crazies in the tallgirl house.  I think it has worn on us all.  We have spent a good part of this week just being with one another.  

It isn't all doom and gloom.  The stuff that I am working on at work really matters.  We are working to do some very big stuff that will help people, directly.  In doing so, we may be able to chart a new path for the organization I work for.  It is really exciting to be where I am right now.  I know my bad mothering is a temporary thing, so I try not to beat myself up too bad.  I give myself my parenting fails.