Love Letter to a One Year Old

Dear BabyP

You turned one a couple of days ago. And in inexpensive modern style, you celebrated it in Ikea. Now some people may think it wasn't a very thoughtful way to spend your first birthday, but those people are wrong. At Ikea we bought two more of your favorite dogs that your sister calls raz-berri. You also got to munch on noodles and broccoli, two of your favorites. We gave you two different kinds of cake. You seemed to enjoy the chocolate pudding one, but you were easily distracted by trying to wipe your mat clean with a paper towel.

You are getting closer to walking. You are almost there, but you don't have the confidence to keep going. You have been sick the last couple of days so instead of walking you have been sitting on my lap with your head on my breasts. Or you have been throwing your gummy hands around my neck and pushing your face against me and saying hmmm before putting your head on my shoulders. You are a sweet sweet boy.

You are maybe talking a bit too. I think you might be saying momma, daisy, dada, hi, and bye bye. You were also copying me saying uh-oh in the grocery store yesterday. It is hard for me to tell if you are really saying these things or not. I know that I hear them, but I can't really judge your intention. You crawl toward me and say "momma" but do you do that to other people? I know you say dada a lot, but do you do it because you want your father or his attention? To me, it is one of those, "why ask why". Since it is impossible for me to know, I am just going with the assumption that you are brilliant and you mean to say all these things and more that we just don't understand yet.

I don't like leaving you. I don't remember this with your sister. I think the fact that I hate it so much has a lot to do with your sister. Even when I am with you, my attention is divided between you, your sister, and some other factor like dinner or bath or driving. Sometimes, I have to stop myself to really drink you in. I want to savor you.

Here are the things I always want to remember about you right now.

• You are all smiles with big eyes and cheeks.
• Your hair is just a little wispy to the point that soon it will need to be cut.
• You get really mad when you don't get your way, but then you get over it.
  
• Your breath is hot and you always try to bite my face.
• You give big hugs and say hmmmm when hugging.
• You love the dog.
• You love your sister.
• You are a good little traveler.
  

You are my little bitty angel. I tell people you are like sugar.

This first birthday has been both happy and sad for me. Sad because I know that was it. That was all the babies I am ever going to have. Even though I don't want another child, I have enjoyed your babyhood so much that I would keep you small longer if I could. It is also joyful for me because I am so excited about the child you have become. All of the worry of childbirth, getting pregnant, crib death, and absolutely not knowing if you are fine or not is all gone. You are a toddler now, and I just have to worry about you killing yourself. That doesn't sound like a feeling of relief, but it is. From here on out, I just have to teach you to not need me. I hope it works.

And I hope it doesn't.

I love you my sweet boy. Your more precious than gold.

Your mum.